Puerto Vallarta, which is located in Jalisco, Mexico is a destination we have traveled to a few times now and and still for some reason always go when its not the season to go and too humid to breathe. We looked on the weather on our iPhones before we left and though okay it will only be 80 degrees which would be a nice change from the 100 degree heat in Dallas, TX. We did not think about the humidity and most of the clubs and restaurants do not have a/c and some of the condos do not either if you have rented one.
The time to visit the internationally known gay resort town of Puerto Vallarta would for sure be from October to March when the humidity is lower and when more of the boys are in town or out. Parts of the weekend seemed like a ghost town due to the humid weather and did not really see too many hot guys out but there were some hot dancers at places such as Wet and Tease. Tease even had some hotties working on Sunday night but the place was dead but it was all about the bartender there who reminded me of Antonio Banderas from “Evita” with his hair slicked back.
Wet had one of the hottest dancers come up to us after his show at Wet on the street who later had a drink with us he could speak some English and had one of the most charming smiles. He wore a bit too much deodorant though because when someone licked his armpits it got all over their tounge hahaha.. I wont say what drunken person did that… He was very lick-able though! Wet had a modern feel to it and a shower behind the bar where the dancers would stroke their hard cocks but all-in-all it was a “Tease”.
The new clubs on the block since I had been to Puerto Vallarta were Paco’s Ranch and Club Kox. Club Kox had a really entertaining drag show on Friday night and it was fairly busy. The drag queens were the best part of the town they had the best outfits, wigs, makeup, and did it up like it was really Pink, Katy Perry, and one did a Cher that took us away. If you like drag they also have it at Paco’s Ranch off and on during the night and at the Blue Chair’s Resort during the Sunset from around 8pm to 10pm. We loved Club Kox and the bartender there was friendly and it had just opened up a few days before we had arrived.
Paco’s Ranch was more of the place to be in Puerto Vallarta on most nights. Now that Manana has remodeled and downsized their dancefloor to just outside instead of their inside part with strippers Paco’s has the better dance area in the hot months. Pacos’s dance area is outside in the A/C while Manana’s is outside under a refreshing waterfall but OUTSIDE in the humid night air. You can always dive in the pool there to refresh yourself though. Neither places sell Redbull so if you want to get a normal Redbull and Vodka then expect to maybe stop by the gas station first and sneak it in. You may need a energy drink since the clubs stay open til 6am on Fridays and Saturdays.
Anthropology was a recommended stripper bar that we had numerous free passes to from the front desk of Blue Chairs and every other gay business we went in to. There was not anything free about this rip-off. While they had a few decent dancers they were mostly scary and aggressive. One of them jumped out in front of me with his balls in my face and I had no idea he was even there. I was sober at the time and did not really find him attractive so that was a Fail. My friend had another land on him and he did not seem to pleased because we would have rather have picked our boys for a lapdance then be given one without permission to someone we would turn down outside of the bar. The drinks were the most outrageous drinks I have had in most of my international travel and even more expensive than Miami, Florida. They wanted 900 pesos for a Redbull imposter drink and another 900 for the vodka that was going to go in the drink. This would be $9 plus $9 and equal let’s get the hell out of this nasty place.
If you like Coke it is everywhere and sold by every taxi and almost every other person walking the street. And yes we mean the Coke otherwise known as Cocaine or that white powder that may be laced with drug ‘levamisole’. Which now that is going on do not think I would trust a dealer in Mexico knowing that this levamisole could be part of the filler because it is is normally used by vets to deworm livestock and causes the skin to rot off according to dermatologists.
Puerto Vallarta is a vacation made in Heaven for most couples and is a highly romantic and fun place to party during the better season. For instance, we heard that Thanksgiving week is big there and most of November. We do not really recommend it as a place for most singles though especially during this time of year there are just too many thugs and you will get your iPhone stolen by one of these aggressive younger guys. I had mine stolen and it was a guy I let up to my room for an after party was even trying to get him to leave and once he left I realized he had stolen it. Not like I want to deal with the Federales while I’ve been drinking in Mexico I have heard how they walk anyone they encounter to an ATM to be paid off.
Blue Chairs Resort that is another story. The rooms I believe all have the same room key and the place has dirty fungus or insecticide smelling blankets on the beds enough to make you want to throw up when you sleep at night. The rooms were clean other than that though and they did have WiFi in the rooms that were fast and the maid service was everyday. The person at the front did lie to me before I stayed there though because I called to see if there was a charge for guests at the front and he said there was NOT then they forcefully made me sign a paper once I brought my friends back to the room that charged me $200 pesos or almost $20 per person. That is a rip-off once again I can’t recommend Blue Chairs if they treat their guests like that and worst of all I would still have an iPhone if they had safes in the room which they DON’T. I will not stay there again unless they get safes in the room. One good thing about the Blue Chairs resort is they did have an A/C at least in my room which came in helpful when the only elevator broke down and I was worn out from walking up 5 flights of stairs.
Other things to do in Puerto Vallarta include a zipline and yes they even have a gay one you can take and an ATV tour but that may be a little too straight for some of us. There is also a Booze Cruise party boat that goes on for half of the day and you can even do that for free if you take a timeshare tour but who really has 90 or so minutes for that sales pitch? I would rather just pay the pesos and hop on and drink.
In Summary, make sure you go in Season and check out the Blue Chairs area where the gay beach is and make sure you visit Wet any night, Manana on Saturdays and Club Kox on Fridays. You can drink the water there is plenty of bottled water that is filtered and make sure you get all your food from a taco stand those are the best places to eat and the cheapest. Make sure you check out the underwear shops near the Blue Chairs area and most of all relax and enjoy the sun!